the great bedlam empire.

artist.

2011-01-06T04:30:00.002-05:00

they come in from the cracks
& the dirty back flats
dragging their knuckles on the floor
grinding cigarette butts
& cold weather sluts
while they argue of taxes & war
faces chiseled from brine
& the foul hearts of swine
gnarling their decades away
one hundred young guns
counting ghosts from the fun
& writing of come what may

for heaven's sake.

2010-10-11T13:03:00.002-04:00

…& I move in slow motion.
watching the sky fall & trees disappear inside themselves.
wait, I am trembling. this is taking some recollection.
it’s much like familiarizing yourself with a bicycle or
roller skates after years of just trusting your stride.
ok, there they are. all in a pretty row, just where I left
them, just like a firing squad.
people stare. they stare at me. I swear it’s like they know me, but they don’t know me. every single movement that is captured in my peripheral vision somehow oddly resembles a girl waving her arms with them raised above her head. or maybe not a girl, just a whole crowd of people waving their arms above their heads, just to my right & left, just inside my line of sight.
wait, there’s a static hum pulling me out of here &
into the rest of the room. I deduce like a computer.
that’s the record player. vinyl scratch & hiss. I need
to turn the record over. stand & do so.
but, in front of me. it’s clear. the clouds have soaked into the rivers & lawns. buildings all fell down. trees disappeared into themselves, like I said. & there is a door
& a shadow, standing above the line where everything started & only went up. we called it the horizon. some strange fixed point in our world where everything that had a beginning, began.
wait, I’m steering this wrong.
no, I like it.
the metaphor has simply crescendo’d a bit
& they’ll go there…if not, I will, so do it.
do it still.
hey, you’re wasting time.
that door leads to another door, which leads to another door. doors I will open for the rest of my life. that shadow stands outside every door. looks at me, watches me, knows me, goes through with me. that shadow is you. & that makes me extremely vulnerable. extremely naked. extremely at risk. extremely fulfilled. extremely where I want to be. & I’ll keep opening doors. seeing you on the other side of each. wondering if i always will but knowing that certainly, of course I will. end slow motion.
& the metaphor ends.
you always do that.
it works for me, works for them, it’s how I am.
honest.
it has to be real. everything.
or even I won’t believe it.
& I always end up believing it.
funny how you look so different than me.
interesting, mathematical, genius.
it’s the reason I don’t ask questions & the reason all
those people waving their arms over there will
never get my attention or understand why not?

it's friday.

2010-07-30T08:51:00.000-04:00

the sun comes up but it's not as hot.
the smoke goes in but it only feels like it's actually starting to kill me.
the sky holds blue & the grass stays greener but i don't see in color.
it's been 23 days & just as many hours & i'm elementary again.
running short on food.
i don't eat it anyway.
fingers are thin.
reeds drying out & howling in the wind.
heavy though.
oh so heavy.
like ten little anchors dropping fast to sandy floors.
i used to breath underwater.
i realize i'm just a man now.
the salt & sting is fast.
does it's best to be elegant & polite
but how sophisticated can you be when you're forcing your way in?
past lock & key.
through steel doors & prison bars.
passing vomit & evicted tenants on it's way
& never ever stopping to apologize or offer better solutions.
it's 8:47.
or 9:47.
or 10:47.
or 3:47.
wherever you are, it's 48 past the hour
& you are awake.
stealing & dealing the best you can.

fire walker.

2010-07-29T23:19:00.002-04:00

it's been too long since i've seen your eyes
& now there's piles of new shit for you to hide behind
but it's ok, run for the hills
i'm sure there's lots that shines in it's honey & chills
i've gotta give up but not because i want to
it's just no use holding hands with a ghost that haunts you.

2010-07-25T21:57:00.001-04:00

you will never never never lose my eyes again...

i never forgot you.

dancing in the dark.

2010-07-25T19:19:00.001-04:00

I felt for sure last night
That once we said goodbye
No one else will know these lonely dreams
No one else will know that part of me
I'm still driving away
And I'm sorry every day
I won't always love these selfish things
I won't always live...
Not stopping...

It was my turn to decide
I knew this was our time
No one else will have me like you do
No one else will have me, only you

You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here I'm now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine

Amazing still it seems
I'll be 23
I won't always love what I'll never have
I won't always live in my regrets

You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here I'm now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine

You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here I'm now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine...

[JEW 23]

tattoo.

2010-07-24T17:47:00.000-04:00

What once was meant to be a statement—
a dripping dagger held in the fist
of a shuddering heart—is now just a bruise
on a bony old shoulder, the spot
where vanity once punched him hard
and the ache lingered on. He looks like
someone you had to reckon with,
strong as a stallion, fast and ornery,
but on this chilly morning, as he walks
between the tables at a yard sale
with the sleeves of his tight black T-shirt
rolled up to show us who he was,
he is only another old man, picking up
broken tools and putting them back,
his heart gone soft and blue with stories.

Ted Kooser.

the wanderer #325.

2010-07-19T00:46:00.006-04:00

the sun pours into a single room cabin
through a waxed over, cracked window.
the dust & age of 10,000 cigarettes creates
a haze in the room you could cut with a chainsaw.
an old leather chair sits in a corner.
the only piece of furniture aside from a mattress & blanket nest
that huddles itself in the opposing corner.
two vastly different worlds that defeat time & logic
to survive in the same small quarters.
random literature lines every inch of every wall
stacked to his hip around the outline of the den.
the worn, water stained, wooden slats of the floor
are completely hidden away by 997 composition tablets.
conversations.
words he never speaks, hasn't spoken in decades
but rattle through this place like a train passing by
on the hour, every hour.
he's forgotten what he looks like.
what his audible voice sounds like.
even if he wanted to speak, his vocal chords
gave way to amnesia & deprivation years ago.
he knows the back of his ragged hands & tips of his
bony fingers like clockwork though,
the buzz & the whip that come with.
his only trusted companions in this world of silence & violence
& beauty & truth.

this morning, he sat, like he did every morning.
drinking metallic tasting water from a metallic tin can.
the givings up of the fresh spring that ran in the forest
behind the cabin.
his internal organs sinking into their hollowed out
frame as his muscle & flesh sank into the leather chair.
in his hands, he held the AM ritual.
a folded letter he touched only for physical example
for he didn't even open it anymore to re-read it.
he had scanned those lines a hundred thousand times.
the yellowed & brittle paper was far to fragile to risk
unfolding & re-folding everyday anyway.
read.
painful more than the day before & the day before that
but not as much as tomorrow.
when the sting had finally absorbed, he simply slipped the letter
into a book that he spun in his hands for a few moments
& then gently placed atop one of the hundreds of stacks
of otherwise meaningless jarble.
he went to the door.
as he looked out over the trees & commotion of the morning forest,
the sun cut through there as well & spilled it's luminescent guts
in patches on the brush covered floor.
his legs were much too shaky, knees weakened over the years.
he would have to take the walk in his mind alone.

he closed his eyes.

he saw the stones & split trunk tree.
the dried creek bed that ran parallel to the path they used to travel.
squirrels & song birds darted to & fro in front of him, entertaining his
slow & cloudy eyes even here in his imagination.
he felt the warmth of daylight
& a soft, lulling breeze blew through his long silver hair.
he stopped & picked a handful of the wild purple lavender that grew
halfway between here & there & held it to his face.
tears soaked his long beard as he imagined handfuls of her
that once shared that sweet sweet smell.
tears fell only here though.
his eyes had dried up long ago on the other side of closed.
stopping in the shadows of a youthful stride,
he knelt to the ground.
with his hand, he brushed away the blanket of leaves
so he could read the stone.
A VOICE TO CARRY.
A WORD TO CUT TRUE.
SHE MADE CLANGING CYMBALS
RESOUND THROUGH WINDOWS OF BLUE.
here she was.
he bent & kissed the earth.
laid his ever mourning body over that spot,
limbs out wide like a child making a snow angel.
he felt the chords rise up through the soil
& dig deep the wet earth,
tying themselves together somewhere between him & her once more.
he lay there for an hour, until she'd said all she needed to say.

he opened his eyes.

turning from the porch, he moved back inside.
having a sip of water & methodically picking out
one of the many writing tablets, he sat back in the chair.
he lit his cigarette with a match & shakily raised it to & from his lips.
for a second, with real eyes, he saw her sitting on the bed.
a young & foreign frame, facing away from him.
sometimes he saw her this way as well, but it was far from often.
she would appear young, as when he met her.
or grown, as when her children knew her.
or, as he remembered her most vividly, aged, as she was when she left to fly in fields of white.
it was only seconds & then she vanished.
he choked on the smoke & breath
he hadn't realized he was holding in & clambered at the tin can to calm himself.
he opened the notebook.
he ran his hard hands over a blank page & could feel the words begin to vibrate.
electric & hot, vowels & consonants stung at the inside of his bones.
the chords, loosing themselves from his finger tips,
begging with force to dirty this page forever.
the buzz & the whip that come with...
young & free.
wild & alive.
he wrote.

awake.

2010-07-15T11:00:00.005-04:00

the light poured into the slits in her eye lids
like 6000 watts at 2 feet of distance.
there was a strong smell of everything in the air
& her skin could feel the rain that wouldn't fall
for another 3 hours.
her ears rattled & hummed with every inaudible
sound wave that lulls the rest of us to sleep.
she filled her lungs with the fresh air,
felt the residue of foreign words on the tip of her foreign tongue.
she could remember her name but nothing else.
figures of her surroundings hung like shadows
just out of her reach but had no real feeling of presence.
as her eyes focused in the light of day,
she saw a tree & a horse with no rider.
a beach with the ocean retreating from it.
a burning cigarette lay at her side in the sand
next to the outline of a hand that did not quite fir her own.
but she was allone now.
her, the ocean, the tree, the horse.
a way out.
a way home.
a smoke for the ride.
a hand to look back on.

my favorite tshirt.

2010-07-12T21:32:00.005-04:00

a quiver & a shake.
twitch & rise.
i hate the way my blood itches
in my veins as it speeds through my arms & legs.
i am the cold steal that hangs at my side.
the bottles that stack up at the end of a dingy, stained
carnival folding table,
waiting for me to throw a thread barren
softball at them in hopes i might all topple over.
the mouse who baits the trap with his favorite cheese
because he knows he can't refuse it.
how do i walk myself out of this one
when i know i'm only leading towards the way i came?

paper
paper
paper hoop.

it burns up quick
dissolves to goop.

i threw myself to the tigers only to find out they were real.

red red ruby boy red.

2010-07-02T00:38:00.000-04:00

there are bugs in my skin
itching, scratching, & ooze
a festering smell taking over this room
comas to be had & silver dollars for the taking
a gentle summer breeze strong enough for my breaking
with a bead on your head
as i begin to draw faster
cold steal & smoking hot
make for a copious crashing disaster
beating words to the death
& a slick fever pitch
my fingers come down
no time for a stitch
i was born thirty years ago
we've been building ever since
a smoldering cyclone
of hownots & where whence
slow down the ever clock hand
a groveling pig
take up mighty shovels
in dank hostels we d

2 hours 26 minutes later
i wake up with a fuzz in my ears
& a sludge oer mine eyes
the light bulb has flickered out
& the bugs seem to have found
corners for the night
i picture picture flash
& wrestle with the cat
saunter through the paces
viggity viggity vinyl scratch
sleet no sleep
escape this man boy bliss
cocky little twanger
trading copper for a kiss

inminesomnia.

2010-06-30T20:57:00.002-04:00

some nights i fight falling asleep
because i feel as though when the morning comes,
you might wake up & realize you're out of your mind.
look at yourself in the mirror & not recognize that
face anymore.
laugh at the lines & shake off the jangles.
coil yourself up into the ball you know
& force feed a quick retreat back home.

but then i jerk straight at the breaking light.
cold sweat & a song in my head.
take comfort in the thinnest of glass
& walk the day away, teetering on blades of grass.

under the boards.

2010-06-29T21:25:00.003-04:00

we gather up the grease & wheels
& steal & spoke.
to the fire & to the water
like the smith's finest shank.
a solid, strong shadow
that swallows & wallows in
the loneliest of corners
where the spiders creep
& floor boards creek with each tiny trumble.
wither & spoon dig a stitch
in the flume & the smell is
all but bearable.
undressing the rot
& airing out sots
that stumble & mumble under the light & short order,
our husky, broken voices
sing of the holiest of murder.

-jack be nimble
jack be quick.
jack jumped, full of stone,
right off the bow of his ship.

toy storie.

2010-06-23T14:20:00.003-04:00

one day, you're going to come look for me.
in your closet or under your bed.
i'll be gone.
your mother pulled me out.
dusted me off.
sold me in the garage sale last week
while you were at your friend's house,
playing with newer things.

i may have been a bargain buy,
but the play in me can last forever
if you really want it to.

validity is overrated.

2010-06-21T03:50:00.003-04:00

wrestling with the demons that won't stay dead
& the part of me that just can't believe.

i paint myself green
swinging high in the trees
like a Lisbon girl,
cut down by dutch elm disease.
there's a monster in this skin
& i'm jumping trains in the wind,
dressed for tonic & gin
while she puts on black to go out again.

i've got a rhythm that moves like a jigsaw.

sack of bones.

2010-06-05T18:54:00.003-04:00

there's just some people that you know in
this world that can only exist in one realm,
that if you saw them outside of this place,
your heart might explode & you'd collapse
dead on the ground like a sack of bones.
i stare at this man everyday.
he shakes constantly behind the counter
at the gas station where he sells me my cigarettes
& dispenses lottery tickets like crack to the masses.
his hair is thin & greasily matted wantonly to his
wrinkled head.
he speaks softly
& i can almost see the smoke escaping from
his lungs & fighting past his ravaged throat
with every word.
he drinks a mixture of cheap vodka & whatever
syrupy soda his gnarled fingers can get to the fastest.
i've watched him leave a long line at his register
during a one-manned shift to procure such a cocktail.
the need is evident.
he grumbles at exact change but grumbles harder
when he has to count you change.
i've seen him smile once or twice.
his teeth aren't very flattering,
but i would expect nothing less.
he would never guess it & it surprises me
to even write it now, but he makes me smile every time.
he's the color & life in this all too perfect cardboard cut-out
we call society.
overlooked, under appreciated & certainly not ideal.
but on a palette, he would be the paint i run out of first.
i was thinking of you when i started this rant...
oh yes...i would collapse dead on the ground
like a sack of bones.

from this great height.

2010-05-30T01:56:00.003-04:00

i stand with my toes hanging 4 inches
out over the open air.
the small pebbles & stones that
vibrate forward from my trembling heels
spill over the craggy edge & i look down briefly
to only see them disappear in seconds.
my arms shake loosely at my side
& i can feel the bone & grit
stab & press from inside my back.
wings are a painful process.
below me i see the numerous
spots i've stood before.
one after another,
successively getting farther from this great height.
jump.
i've done it so many times in the past
but have always seen where i was landing.
up here, i can't see a damn thing.
i suppose that's the big difference between
jumping & flying.
it'll only be a matter of moments now.
i feel the sharpest bite between my shoulder blades
& the sky turns gray, fills with stars....
then black.

what these hands will do.

2010-05-23T20:40:00.001-04:00

we carefully draw lines onto extremely porous paper
& drag a brush, with the perfect amount of paint
from point A to point B, then on to C.
smudge the shadows in
with black, crumbling charcoal
& rub pastels into the sky
like a bride carefully fixing her face.
the scratch of a pencil plants a tree
& builds a house, fills the windows
with light & the air with smoke.
then it rains...
& the colors & the lines & the shapes & the form
slip & distort from the easel to the ground.
& we curse ourselves for being artists that
stubbornly insist on working with the enemy of water.
but it will stop raining.
we will paint again.
under sun & moon, star & air;
our pictures will come back to life.

shoot the hunter.

2010-05-17T01:12:00.005-04:00

god, it reeks of kerosene in here
& my boots are dirty with the wet earth
& i burn cigarettes down,
dangerously close to my flammable lips.
my hands are callused & my insides
just as much.
punch me, square in the gut,
as hard as you can.
i'm not asking, i'm telling.
is that all you've got?
i have to sit down.
i have to put all your clothes on
& walk around this room until i find myself
downstairs.
then this dizzy head will finally know where i am.

paralysis.

2010-05-15T16:17:00.003-04:00

we were just a bridge we could never quite cross.
it's always hard to put one foot in front of the other
when we convince ourselves we can't walk at all.
so we stand here.
next to each other.
with blank stares & muted mouths
& that bridge stares back with anticipation.
& we stand here.

wasted.

2010-05-12T00:34:00.003-04:00

set in stone
a face that could kill a man.
sweet exhale
i watch you burn the other end.
don't tell me it's trivial
i know what the hell i mean.
don't tell me it's not for real
i know what these eyes do see.
you're lost on the other side
watching my every move.
as i break on the other side
hoping to to find you soon.

the rattle & hum.

2010-05-11T19:09:00.002-04:00

earthly forces are desperate to hold me down
but you, you break it without even a sound.
don't say a word,
just turn your face this way
those eyes will kill me
& carry me away.
where we're going, i don't really care
just promise me one thing, you'll follow me there.

oh how she shine.

2010-05-09T15:37:00.001-04:00

happy mother's day.

2010-05-09T15:31:00.001-04:00

top 2 on my "all time, top 5 favorite people" list:

sitting in the grass.

2010-05-03T16:05:00.003-04:00

white washed clouds
& a sky so blue i can see your eyes
screaming at me from up there.
but maybe they're green or even grey today.
no, definitely blue.

i'll always say it.

2010-05-01T19:06:00.001-04:00

there goes my tongue again...
found it's way into the spokes
of life's bike as he passed me by.

metal.

2010-05-01T17:08:00.005-04:00

thin lipped & kicking at our regrets
we pick apart the dragons
like vultures in our sleep.
there are ashes on our foreheads
& the rider's fast approaching.
coming to take one of us
for all of the weaknesses we believed.
i'd wrap you up inside of me
but these arms are pinned to the wall.
these arms are never enough.
never something we could give up.

grit your teeth, baby,
it's gonna get cold.
we'll fall to a mighty ruin
beneath the things that we were told.
the things that we were told.

sometimes others say it best.

2010-05-01T16:47:00.001-04:00

I could feel a hot one taking me down
For a moment, I could feel the force
Fainted to the point of tears
And you were holding on to make a point
What's the point?

I'm but a clean man, stable and alone man
Make it so I won't have to try
The faces always stay the same
So I face the fact that I'm just fine
I said that I'm just fine

I remember, head down,
After you had found out
Manna is a hell of a drug
And I need a little more, I think
Because enough is never quite enough
What's enough?

I took it like a grown man crying on the pavement
Hoping you would show your face
But I haven't heard a thing you've said
In at least a couple hundred days
What'd you say?

I was in the front seat, shaking it out
And I was asking if you felt alright
I never want to hear the truth
I want to hear your voice, it sounded fine
My voice, it sounded fine

I could feel my heartbeat taking me down
And for the moment, I would sleep alright
Invading with a selfish fear
To keep me up another restless night
Another restless night

The blood was dry, it was sober
The feeling of audible cracks
And I could tell it was over
From the curtains that hung from your neck

And I realized that then you were perfect
And my teeth ripping out of my head
And it looked like a painting I once knew
Back when my thoughts weren't entirely intact

To pray for what I thought were angels
Ended up being ambulances
And the Lord showed me dreams of my daughter
She was crying inside your stomach

And I felt love again

RoboCop.

2010-04-30T19:48:00.002-04:00

'cause i don't want no robocop
you movin' like a robocop
when did you become a robocop?
no, i don't need a robocop

2010-04-29T16:50:00.000-04:00

it's a damn, fine day
& i'm in love with it.

origins.

2010-04-29T16:32:00.001-04:00

what do street lamps do during the day?
they stand idle & erect like soldiers having a quick
sleep in between shifts.
they hold old shoes & the wires that string across
the sky in aimless direction.
they shamelessly wear our advertisements
& “help me find pinky”posters
without a scoff about what it might do for their sense of fashion.
but at night, they go to work.
like werewolves, suddenly turned on by the moon
& her army of crickets & shadows.
alive, they lead you block by block
on a trail they’ve laid for decades but have no idea where
it really leads.
they offer up their pockets of safety
& create 6 foot diameter havens
that are perfect for lighting a cigarette
or kissing a girl.
they watch this city until it sleeps
& then watch a little longer until they too can sleep.
street lamps.
I wonder if that’s where the idea for batman came from?

the realest thing i ever wrote:

2010-04-29T00:16:00.001-04:00

i'm going to come get you.
i can't say when & i can't say how
& damnit, my dear, if i could
let you know i would.
but you have something of mine
& i don't want it back.
i just want to sit beside you &
watch it grow out of your mouth & stomach
& root itself in the soil beside us.
burst from the ground with the
life & fire of every star that breaks
it's neck above us, just to catch a glimpse
of all that this is.
i will find you.

dates.

2010-04-28T19:58:00.003-04:00

(i'm laughing as i write this)
some sweet day, i'm coming to find you.
& i will stand in your skin.
we will taste the salt
& we will really feel the air in our hair.
we will see & know
what it really means for us to
stand outside this circle
& then we can walk.
walk wherever the hell you want to go.

it's wednesday.

2010-04-28T14:12:00.003-04:00

i shower in the dark.
lay on my back for 37 minutes
& let the water leak up my nose,
stinging my sinus cavity.
close my eyes & ask the questions
i normally wouldn't ask with clothes on.
what do certain voices sound like when they're whispering?
how hard would life be to live without forgiveness?
do baby kangaroos realize how easy they have it?
i dress.
put on the things that make me feel human.
confidence & self in some dirty pants
& a mesh t-top.
i bruise my heels from here to there for several
hours, searching for a connection to this earth.
waiting for gravity to stop me on something
white & fresh & whole.
then i sit on my beaten in, cracked leather sofa
& put my feet up amongst old beer cans & cigarette butts
& i write.

under a warm blanket.

2010-04-28T03:51:00.003-04:00

god, the energy is disgusting in here.
i stare at the moon, full & awake.
i stare at my face, hollow & awake.
i stare at my hands, shaking & awake.
it's dark & quiet & the world is sleeping
& you are sleeping & he is sleeping &
she is sleeping & babies are definitely sleeping.
a few birds are chirping.
surely just as confused as i am by the static
in our hair
& feathers.
god, daylight sleep like only the daylight can.
dead, expired, eliminated by darkness.
& in the morning, kick down my door.
scream at the top of your sharp, bright,
lovely throat.
& may i find a way to hold onto you
until we all sleep again.

be.

2010-04-28T00:44:00.002-04:00

"it's a travesty to be a prisoner in your own life."

ctrl+alt +delete+end.

you stare at the cheap, over-sized stuffed animals
behind the toothy grinned, gypsy with short fingers
& because of the excitement of the game, forget
you hold the brass token in your hand.

blue 37.

2010-04-27T23:05:00.004-04:00

so i look at the cop & i say to him,
i say right to his stubbly, pretty cop face,
i say "you don't know me man, you don't know me."
& he shoves me a little, back against my car
& he mumbles some over practiced warning
about "controlling my temper" but all i can do is
laugh out loud at the overly zealous bulge in his
stupid brown polyester pants.
so he cracks my jaw with the end of his flashlight,
pretty sure that will "knock that silly smirk off your face!"
so i go soft.
he loads me in his car & then gets a frantic slur of chatter
over his radio as he climbs in the front.
after responding ever so heroically
to the chain of numbers & colors
with a voice he could only get from hours upon hours
of watching & practicing t.j. hooker lines,
he jumps up & lets me out.
un-keys my hands, spits on my shoes & tells me i'm free to go.
i get that same smirk on my face,
although it's slightly swollen this time, but before i could
even say a word he drives away.
i'm free to go.
ha, what a gold-bricker.
what a stupid gold-bricker.

ideas again.

2010-04-27T21:18:00.001-04:00

...or an asian beach movie.
like "beach blanket bonzai"
or "tai kwan surfing".

ideas.

2010-04-27T21:00:00.002-04:00

you know what i want to make?
an asian western.
you know; a bunch of asian cowboys
riding around on cowboy horses.
spurs & cacti.
guns & saloons.
you never seen an asian film like that!

short fat brian.

2010-04-27T20:38:00.002-04:00

when i was a kid
i shot rocks.
& there was always this tiny little shit.
rudy faced, short fat brian.
that's what we called him,
short fat brian.
he smelled like maple syrup
& apparently didn't have a mother
that routinely licked her thumb & cleaned the
caramel apple off his face.
he rode his older sister's childhood bike
& covered the pink racing stripes
with black electrical tape.
we all knew,
but he seemed to somehow
never catch on.
i think that's what bothered me the
most about short fat brian.
i was beyond feeling sorry for
someone that didn't have the brain
capacity to figure out that the people
around him didn't like him.
it just made me angry at him instead.
looking back, maybe he was on to something.
as i get shorter & fatter,
i find myself not really giving a shit
about your opinions of me just like he did.
he was just way ahead of his time
& ours...especially ours.
what a kid that short fat brian.
really taught me a thing or two.
oh,
& i sucked at shooting rocks.

you see you.

2010-04-26T23:07:00.005-04:00

i imagine you getting ready
in front of your mirrors
with the hair & shine & fancy red lips
you can't help but look into
your own eyes in those times
& all i really want to know
is what do you see

to those who pass by my door:

2010-04-26T20:25:00.004-04:00

the cobblestone is dry
& the leaves of two seasons
have passed & pressed between it's cracks.

the blinds are raised & curtains drawn
as i was taught to welcome things in.
the men & women who walk in front of my place
hobble & stumble as their wooden canes
skip & scrape on the street.
i would be forced to join them
but i don't leave the cover of this place.
i see silhouettes of others approaching,
upright & at smooth canter & can't help but wonder
if they'll approach my door.
some do.
few, but some.
usually selling vacuums or some other
useless, bull shit cleaning element.
i sit in an oversized, leather chair
& drink wine from a plastic cup.
sometimes i read books on bird watching, cooking,
or any other hobby that would take too much
time & dedication to actually take full involvement in.
i sleep late & fall asleep late.
i taste very little these days.
i throw darts at a giant map on my wall,
much like someone eager to travel, but not
sure where to go, would choose a destination.
but god knows i'm not going anywhere.
instead, i write down a fact about that certain location.
London is foggy.
Boston's favorite color is green.
Sri-Lanka has a bug problem.
the obvious things.
i like to snap my fingers...a lot.
want to figure out someday how fast your
finger actually has to be traveling
to make that sound on your skin from such
a short distance.
the phone is ringing.
i hate answering the phone,
but i think i hate knowing that someone is looking
for me & i don't know who it is, more.
so i have to answer it.

2010-04-26T13:15:00.001-04:00

i'm now convinced
we could stand under a falling sky
crashing all around us
& our feet would still be stuck in the ground

2010-04-23T18:30:00.003-04:00

& these chords run dry for a time
"it's ok, child, life can't go on stand by"
a man in a chair in an empty library
smokes his cigarette & reads from his favorite lines
the dust settles & the clock hums the hours
into his ears & brain & heart
he becomes time
something of a fading moment
an instant that was just an instant that becomes an instant
passing into another instant
he sits, time itself, knowing he will be better in the future

2010-04-22T12:38:00.002-04:00

you kill me from 600 miles away
good shot, young cowboy
with your toy guns & sugar pills
this car couldn't drive fast enough for us now

i see you.

2010-04-20T22:06:00.002-04:00

you're above me.
so i fall asleep with the taste of indian ink in my mouth
with a prayer & a dream that i might
wake to find us separated from this world.
but i know it's not real.
know that i can't find you or hold you
or kiss you or kill you.
draw two dots on opposite sides of the paper.
you can fold the paper so both of them meet
but alas, they are still two dots on opposite sides of the paper.
we are not dots.
there isn't even paper.
we are the clouds & the print & the water & the earth
that runs between you & me.
an aching vision that could be flowers in another world
but here will only stain my teeth & tongue, lips & gums.

2010-04-20T19:47:00.002-04:00

i just keep waiting for you to say something
waiting for the slow rumble forty yards back
to be on me like the crushing wave that it is
to fill these lungs with sand
so i can tear them out & breath like a newborn again
say something.

2010-04-13T20:30:00.002-04:00

these eyes have seen & these ears have heard
& i shut them both with a sense of
peace, joy & blessing every man should know.
God is all around, take the time to see Him.
the reward is mighty & the rest is deep.

march on little feet, you're going somewhere...

this is destroying us.

2010-04-11T19:23:00.003-04:00

you may fight so very hard & sometimes you must
fight before you can see through the blood & the smoke...
& when we do, the black & the white cut the light like
glass & the lines are clearer than the sun
no matter what was blurring them before.
a creation is built with a purpose
& imbedded with a specific dna.
find your way in the murky waters of this life
& know that no matter how hard or trite the days ahead may seem,
you are forging what will be the remains of who you are
long after you cease to be who you are.

2010-04-11T18:58:00.002-04:00

it's sad really but i suppose it was in the wind.
hope the world to those who sleep,
you really meant everything to me.
& i will carry you for always
like a scar that doesn't fade.
kisses.

neverland is empty.

2010-04-05T13:00:00.003-04:00

& we fill our veins with something else.
something cold & dark & different.
& we cross our fingers & hope the shadow isn't permanent.
who really recovers from this?
what are the odds of us knocking down those that are against us?
questions i asked when it mattered more.
questions i asked when we could see each other's faces in the dying light.
questions i will sleep on for...until we wake.

an exercise in 6/8.

2010-03-24T23:43:00.004-04:00

did you feel the floor boards tremble
& quake beneath my back
baby, we got something precious
& there's no gray before the black
our oxygen is golden
a miracle at best
if we were riding on the same train
then darling, we'd be dangerous

2010-03-23T21:11:00.002-04:00

oh oh oh sweet girl,
mind your head & keep your knees about you.
this crashing ceiling will crush you if you don't
learn to stand out from underneath it's falling frame.
your heart is right & you know your head as well
but the voice from the speakers in the sky
is stealing the soul you're still figuring out.
run not to the darkness but find the bits of light
bouncing in the mirror.
see your face & say your name, sweet child.
let not the world you're submersed in say it for you.

we build our own chariots & sink our own ships
raise our own flags & bust our own lips.

2010-03-20T13:35:00.002-04:00

it's always very scary to watch other people
slip into the spiral that you are dangerously flirting with.
the ability to relate to utter consumption
& destruction is chilling & foreboding.
find me in the magic gardens
because the roots of that place grow from
my heart as well.
i pray to God i will survive.
i pray to God for a healthy way
to make it.

when you disappear i hope you at least
find all the others that walk in that world.
there has to be community & shelter there.
we can all sing our cicada songs together.

binge & purge.
walk in the dark for a little while
because you know that's the only way
to find a little light.

thoughts.

2010-03-17T03:27:00.003-04:00

love is enough.
we are not tigers & sharks.

what dreams do you chase forever
& which ones do hand to the wind?

suspended animation has to end.

i need to run far far away.
lose it all & find something i've never known before.
anyone have an empty closet or corner of garage?
you'd never know i was there.
i'd cut the grass.

i fear all that i must lose.

you won't even recognize me in 5 years.

2010-03-14T13:44:00.001-04:00

i want to be a real boy.

2010-03-13T13:49:00.002-05:00

i can't measure my faith with the breadth of my tongue.
every word comes from some beginning & is rooted in some fantastical origin,
but that only explains where words started. where they go & what they accomplish from there is up to us.
language is strong & beautiful & wild, like a beast.
context is the bit & bridle & our duty is to control, not rule.
dance, not demand.

"you want to see where a man really stands, investigate his heart. outside of this, you will always find
the chains to tie him down."

2010-03-09T08:28:00.002-05:00

is it written down somewhere
or passed from ear to ear that you can't die in your dreams?
i know from past experiences, i always wake up before i've actually expired
but have been well on my way, pre-awakening.
i died last night...& didn't wake up.
it was actually the beginning of the dream
& i'm pretty sure it broke all the rules & will never happen again.
good thing i remember it vividly.

happy birthday.

2010-02-27T02:55:00.003-05:00

this is the end.
this story's old but it goes on & on until we disappear...

these strings are drawn tight.
shiny shoes.
i can see the colors & lights coming from that side of the room
& for the first time, swallow the lump of what i know i need to do.
it's nuclear warfare but the final part of my heart that gives it all.
be free to be & don't look back, please.
let what you do speak for your unsure & unknown words.
it's clear to me.
& to you even though you can't seem to say it.
for the moment, this will do.
has to.
has to.
for the longest time i was afraid it was a cop out.
that i would be failing if i let the horses run
but i realize that's all i can do in order to fulfill all i can give to you.

i love you.

2010-02-25T00:51:00.001-05:00

my dreams are a joke.
lets do ourselves a favor & just not get weird tonight.

2010-02-19T13:29:00.002-05:00

& this is what i've feared but know is the necessity.
wrap myself in rock, i do not feel.
the bottom of the ocean has been locked away
& all i can do is tread water at the surface...
like the opposite of being trapped under ice.

this is real.

2010-02-18T14:37:00.003-05:00

i am out of my skin today.
i suppose this is the place we have all been waiting for
but still i stare at it not quite sure how to move.
these arms are legs & hands are feet.
i walk with my head between my elbows.
i am scared to breath but it is a must.
this is real.
the clay is drying out & i will not set in this shape.

2010-02-17T01:36:00.003-05:00

i dreamed you were sitting at a loom.

i entered the giant, barren room but your focus would not be broken.

i walked among you, the two of you, dancing in the middle

of this giant space with barely enough light to make out faces

but yours i saw, shining like the moon off of freshly fallen snow.

god, you were beautiful.

& your hands moved with the grace of a child but the skill of an elderly worker.

your eyes never left the weave

& your lungs moved in a rhythm with the shuttle.

the silence was deafening.

but noise would have only shattered the glass that was the air.

you were working with bright, new colors.

the only thing that seemed to move outside the atmosphere of the room.

i glanced down at my hands.

they were old & aged

hard & scarred from time i apparently didn't know had passed.

you never shuttered

never flinched at my steps or wavered at my whisper.

i stood close for some time, watching, taking you in.

a pile of rags in the corner of the room caught my eye.

i moved to them & shuffled through & through.

old, faded fabrics

eaten away by moth & worm, left to be dressed with dust & mite.

i picked one up & a sudden chill forced it around my shoulders.

it smelled dead, dry, forgotten, familiar.

in the corner i stood

warm & shrouded by the shadows.

i closed my eyes only for a moment to burn a picture in my mind

& when i opened them, you were gone.

the loom sat motionless,

empty except for the webs of spiders that had appeared almost instantly

but somehow held the signs of years.

i blinked.

the room remained.

i sank to the floor & bowed my tired head.

i closed my eyes to find the image i had stolen before all had fled.

there.

i smiled

& i fell asleep to breath the end.

these lips shall not speak

these eyes shall not see

in my mind is where waking will be

but god, you were beautiful.

2010-02-15T23:46:00.002-05:00

the grass just grows too fast

the highway turned to gravel long ago

& nature just had to have her way

these streets soon will be fields

& i'll lay in them at night with a fire burning

look up to the stars

& wonder if there really is more peace in the pasture

perspective.

2010-02-12T13:13:00.003-05:00

& the city will always look the same

from outside the walls

& we will peer over & in & throw

our spears against the stones

always breaking & never making a scratch

against those defenses

& we will wake every new day

with glassy eyes & ready our throwing arms

& the city will remain the same

there is a gate & it is open

& it will take us to the city

we can only see from

it's streets

2010-02-10T00:15:00.001-05:00

i'm the one you burn.

2010-01-24T02:40:00.001-05:00

i'm the luckiest man alive.

2010-01-20T06:28:00.002-05:00

you're moving out of my sky

& i get it

2010-01-15T23:36:00.000-05:00

take this sinking boat & point it home

we've still got time.

2010-01-15T15:46:00.000-05:00

i bet we both wonder what that means...

2010-01-15T00:22:00.002-05:00

i have to believe.

where one man becomes a fool

another, seeks the truth.

2010-01-14T14:04:00.000-05:00

They say I made the moon
Everything was in the dark
No memories at all
Just a tiny freezing wind in my back
As I was sitting there
Singing a song they had never heard before
Suddenly, a voice told me
"Keep on singing, little boy
And raise your arms in the big black sky
Raise your arms the highest you can
So the whole universe will glow"

My first vision was a bush growing down the river
And I couldn't stop crying
Something was missing
I realized I was in love with a voice
I called it, again, and again
But all I heard was the echo in the light

2010-01-13T18:40:00.002-05:00

i just had a dream that we

bumped into each other five years from now.

& when our eyes said hello again,

as if by magic, we both realized

we were as we were, simply by choice.

then the sky opened & rain fell on a

world i think both of us had forgotten.

we smiled at each other with the kind of faces

angels aspire for & i kissed your hand.

you took my arm & we turned toward

someplace neither of us had been before.

a rainbow appeared in the sky above us

but it just kept raining.

the vest had to match the coat.

2010-01-13T02:53:00.002-05:00

she tied you to her kitchen chair,

broke your throne & cut your hair

& from your tired lips, drew hallelujah.

2010-01-13T00:39:00.001-05:00

oh, how far we slide

to the muck & the mire

if you could breath the air i do

you'd smell a burning fire

2010-01-12T12:02:00.000-05:00

i guess i'm bound to be a duck.

2010-01-10T23:40:00.002-05:00

very little makes sense,

& what does seems to not be the popular choice.

i need some peace of mind

& someone to tell me what string connects to what string.

there are so many rats in the attic

& they're chewing holes everywhere.

2010-01-09T02:27:00.000-05:00

even if i fight for both of us,

it's never enough.

gasp.

2010-01-08T18:56:00.002-05:00

i think the scariest thing about

running out of air underwater is;

the swim to the surface is so quick & frantic.

a harsh juxtaposition to your previous state.

& by the time your heads above water,

you forget all the magic of submersion.

2010-01-02T02:25:00.001-05:00

if ever we were really afraid,

nows the time for shaking.

2009-12-31T15:50:00.000-05:00

two whales can't survive in an ocean made for one.

how does this work?

2009-12-31T14:59:00.001-05:00

no caption needed.

lest we forget.

2009-12-31T14:57:00.000-05:00

2009-12-31T00:54:00.002-05:00

yes, dear, i believe it's true.

i've been here before & i've seen the rain hitting these streets

& i know the sound of that voice & the echo of air.

not sure what to take away because i left with so much already.

does it want me to take more or something i missed the first & second time?

repetition is a frightening thing, as it tells me i'm thick in the head

& can't seem to catch the right train.

so i stand on the platform & watch em go by.

pacing back & forth, wondering what the hell i'm even doing here

but knowing, with a gnaw in my stomach, that i really have no where else to be.

i didn't even pack a bag.

don't need one where i was supposed to be going

so if i wind up lost in some other city, on some other schedule

in another unknown month & year, i guess i'll just have to go shopping for new things.

2009-12-29T12:22:00.001-05:00

i fear you will never know.

& that would be the greatest loss of all.

the beauty of so called self help.

2009-12-27T23:20:00.004-05:00

"you always loved the circus so how do you like my last act?"

good one, jack.

i've done this before, i can do it again.

spectacles, testicles, wallet & watch.

2009-12-26T02:18:00.000-05:00

merry christmas!

2009-12-23T22:51:00.003-05:00

i don't even see you anymore.

maybe this is the best way.

what you intended all along.

remembrances eventually distort & twist & fade

into memories that turn to tiny pin pricks

you hardly feel if you're not paying attention.

unfortunately, i'll be paying attention.

i'll live with that though.

pain reminds me i'm human & i fail & i answer to consequence.

the lab.

2009-12-23T12:19:00.002-05:00

there's a fever in my bones
& it needs to make it's way to my fingers & toes.

i'm gonna be working on something new.

hope you love it.

& even if you don't, i will.

some lessons you don't want to learn, but life has a way of making you face the walls & choosing up & over or hit & fall.

2009-12-23T02:08:00.004-05:00

i'm beginning to see that the mirror

i peer into everyday is just a stale photograph

of the things i want to see.

if i scream loud enough maybe just maybe

it will shatter & break

& shake me from the hold it has on me.

there's nothing like talking out loud

only to hear your own voice answering the questions

you intended for someone else's ears.

it's the hills & the valleys.

the ebb & the flow.

the force of gravity & all the things you want to fight against.

you won't last forever, no matter how hard you try.

not on your own.

face the mirror & scream.

shatter the dream & let it die

then pick up the pieces & make new art.

learn to appreciate the things of tomorrow

no matter how hard it may be...

it's your only hope.

a brief glimpse.

2009-12-22T11:26:00.001-05:00

at least we have disney land...ha.

2009-12-14T14:04:00.001-05:00

this is just becoming a catastrophe.

the tongue is a mighty...

2009-12-11T01:28:00.006-05:00

wordswordswordswordswordswordswordswordswords

wordswordsit'sallinthewords...wordswordswordswords

wordswordswordswordswordswordswordswordswords

...& the beauty there in.

2009-12-10T23:56:00.002-05:00

& this guy...

2009-12-10T19:25:00.001-05:00

life, it will own you.

2009-12-08T03:47:00.002-05:00

i remember a time

when we thought we had it all figured out.

who were we kidding?

2009-12-01T06:53:00.001-05:00

at least there are my dreams.

i'll always have those.

2009-11-25T04:15:00.003-05:00

this smoke is in my lungs

& i'm thinking in full color & shapes for once:

you're the face in the crowd.

not one but all.

the rest of the world is a gorillaz concert

& we exist in a small drinking glass, half full

green fish, red fish, blue fish, two fish

swimming with enough oxygen for just one

breath me in

take what i can hold for you

i don't want to live in this struggle for air

i'd rather fall asleep, not to wake up,

with this vision of sugar plums dancing in my head

when they dig me up, they'll find a body full of sailor's blood

& a naked right arm

2009-11-25T03:11:00.002-05:00

i sit below the deep blue wash

looking up at the bottom of your boat.

the fish swim through my lungs

& the light barely penetrates here

but i'd gladly drown 1,000 times a day

just to have this view.

143. for real.

snakes don't know they're poisonous, they're just acting out of fear.

2009-11-21T03:15:00.004-05:00

it's funny what straws become the one's to break the back of the camel.

always seems to be the thing you never thought would land

but hits with such force, you're destroyed before you know you were even effected.

then you're sitting there, unable to walk, realizing things

& justifying things you never thought your mind would even welcome, let alone entertain.

it's a shame the wind is so strong & winter is a horrible time to fall in love.

it's a shame people lie & lie about stupid things.

it's a shame it's those things that gut you with a knife they've never even held.

it's a shame i won't stick around to see what happens next...

not really.

& that, is a shame.